


==>Everyone: Go to PROM.

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Also this is Dave-centric, Dirk/Jake - Freeform, F/F, F/M, First Homestuck fic, M/M, Multi, My Heart Will Go On, Rose/Kanaya - Freeform, Sollux/karkat - Freeform, all the pairings aside from him and terezi/john are minor, amazed, and, are the only ones mentioned more than once, etc - Freeform, like literally some are just a sentence, mentions of shitty slow dance music, prom au, some dancing, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1568495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are so goddamn happy.</p>
<p>A goddamn lightning bolt could strike you dead right where you stand, and with your last, charred-hair, melted glasses breath, you'd probably laugh.</p>
<p>Why are you so happy?</p>
<p>Because you have got the girl. You GOT THE GIRL.</p>
<p>Granted, she is flat-chested, has laughably huge front teeth, and is currently watching you think.</p>
<p>"Dave, you dingus, just dance with me. And I wanna be the boy this time!"</p>
<p>"no can do john. no can do."</p>
            </blockquote>





	==>Everyone: Go to PROM.

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry.
> 
> this was written using the proper font and text colours, so i apologise if its not as good without them.

A blonde boy stands in the middle of a room. He is dressed impeccably in a red tuxedo and his favourite shades. His arms are around a young troll girl. It just so happens that this girl is his date for the prom. Both of them are unbearably cool.

What shall the name of this blonde boy be?

==>Enter name.

HIPSTER DOUCHEBAG

The blonde boy has no time for your stupid shenanigans; he is trying to dance here! Try again.

==>Enter better name.

DAVE STRIDER

==>Correct!

Your name is DAVE. As previously mentioned, you are at PROM. Your date is your female friend of the troll variety, TEREZI. Both of you are dressed for the occasion, in clothing that you alchemized and she had created for her by KANAYA.

The prom was, of course, not your idea, but you have gone along with it for the sake of IRONY, one of your favourite pastimes. Your friends are all there as well, some taking it more seriously than others.

Your sister, ROSE, is there with her previously referred-to GIRLFRIEND, KANAYA. They both sit by the punch bowl, watching the dancers and giggling, commenting to each other.

Your BRO, DIRK, is with his light-switch of a BOYFRIEND, JAKE. DIRK is busy playing DJ, so JAKE is looking around with a bored expression, his green blazer clashing with his obviously borrowed orange bowtie.

KARKAT looks displeased, yelling at his date, the unfortunate SOLLUX. SOLLUX looks entirely ready to shove KARKAT face-first through something sharp and preferably fuck-deep in lava.

VRISKA watches them both, laughing. You’re not entirely sure she even has a date, which is surprising. Beside her, TAVROS talks to GAMZEE, though you’re not sure what they’re talking about, nor do you really care.

The only person you have yet to see is your best friend and part-time crush, JOHN EGBERT. This prom was all his idea; you’re surprised he hasn’t shown his face here yet. 

TEREZI sniffs the air. “WH4T SM3LLS L1K3 D3SP3R4T1ON?” Perhaps you spoke too soon. You turn around, and sure enough.

“what brings you to my not so humble and totally plush backside john you got the hankering for a strider dance my arms your hips real romantic i could teach you a few things about the ways of love that your romcoms could never-“

“oh gog, i would pay you to stop if i had any money.” Even at prom, JOHN has had enough of your bullshit. “i think i might change my mind about asking you to dance now that you put it that way.”

Oh, HELL NO. 

==>DAVE: Save the last dance.

Prom has just started, you moron! Why would you make JOHN wait all night when he obviously wants to dance with you now?

==>DAVE: Do the Russian squat dance.

No, no, no! Embarrassing yourself won’t do, especially not around two of the people you like the most! Though there is an especially tempting spot on the dance floor you could easily use...

==>DAVE: Focus.

JOHN is giving you a blank expression, waiting for your answer. TEREZI snickers. “4T 4 LOSS FOR WORDS, COOL K1D? 1 C4N T4ST3 YOUR 4NSW3R. H3 S4YS Y3S JOHN.”

JOHN gives you a wide smile, and there you go into space again, thinking about how many things you could compare his smile to. 

==>DAVE: Stop being boring.

Well, fine then! When you put it that way, you guess you’ll just have to shut up about JOHN FOREVER. That’s right, not a single ironic metaphor will grace these lips about JOHN EGBERT and his GOOFY BUCKTOOTH GRIN, or his IMPOSSIBLY BLUE EYES or his-

==>DAVE: Be JOHN.

You are now JOHN. DAVE seems to be on another thought tangent, much to your chagrin. You would probably have to laugh if you weren’t so nervous.

==>JOHN: Explain your nervousness.

OBVIOUSLY, you have the biggest crush on DAVE STRIDER. Really, you’re not sure how anyone could have missed it. You even suggested this prom thing so you could make a move on him.

If only he’d stop thinking so loud!

==>JOHN: Get DAVE’S attention.

“dave! earth to strider! helloooooooo? anyone home?” For added measure, you knock on DAVE’S forehead. He does not look pleased.

“im here what”

TEREZI begins to snicker again. “1M GO1NG TO B3 OV3R TH3R3, W4TCH1NG TH1S TR41N WR3CK. D4V3, L3T M3 KNOW 1F YOU W4NT TO D4NC3 4G41N L4T3R.” 

It would appear that DAVE’S brother, DIRK, has noticed your intentions. The song switches from something upbeat and Strider-made to something worthy of only the cheesiest prom slow dance. 

You put your hands on DAVE’S shoulders. No more screwing around! Behind DAVE, DIRK is leaving BROBOT in charge of the turntables, tugging JAKE ENGLISH to dance. “Come on, English. It’s time to dance.”

“Golly strider im afraid i don’t know how to dance! Its outside my realm of adventuring.”

“I’ll teach you. Learning on the fly is one of the best indicators of a good adventurer, is it not?”

“I daresay youre right strider. Alright then. Teach me your ways.”

“With pleasure.” You almost want to gag. You’re not particularly close to DAVE’S BRO, but from what you’re hearing, you imagine he must be almost as dorky as DAVE himself. His dorkiness appears to be equally matched by the gawky adventurer JAKE, who is sporting a vicious blush as DIRK gives him a crash course in arm placement. 

==>JOHN: Dance with DAVE.

That’s only what you’ve been waiting to do! Fortunately, while you were watching DIRK and JAKE, DAVE has come back from the clouds and put his arms on your hips. He also seems to appreciate DIRK’S choice in ironic slow dance song, as you can notice the faint hints of a smile gracing his stoic features.

==>JOHN: Briefly be JADE.

You are now JADE. Your date, the troll girl FEFERI, is sharing a quick dance with her moirail, ERIDAN. You sit with your friend NEPETA, who is coaching her own meowrail EQUIUS how to ask ARADIA to share a dance with him. “:33 you have to just go fur it. she’ll say yes, there’s no way she won’t!” 

You can see, near FEFERI and ERIDAN, your two friends DAVE and JOHN, holding each other in a not-so-straight fashion as they sway to the music. Exchanging a glance with your other friend, ROSE, you can see she’s thinking the same thing. 

==>JADE: Quickly be ROSE.

You are now ROSE. KANAYA, your aforementioned matesprit, does not feel like dancing, and neither do you, so you stay near the punch bowl, keeping your sister ROXY from pouring alcohol into it. That does not, however, discourage her from trying.

“jaaaaaney hepl me! *help”

“Help you with what, Roxy? I hope you’re not trying to poison the punch again, or I may have to leave you to this yourself.”

“I Sincerely Hope You Are Not Going To Attempt These Silly Games Again Roxy I Thought You Learned The Last Time”

Your irritation at your alcoholic sister is reaching dangerously high levels. Fortunately, JANE picks up on this, relocating with ROXY to another area in the room.

==>ROSE: Observe JOHN and DAVE.

This new situation between Not-A-Homosexual JOHN and the Obviously-Closeted DAVE is very interesting. KANAYA seems to share your sentiment.

“Do You Think They Are Going To Finally Get Together Rose Or Is This Just Going To Add To All Of Their Confusion”

Honestly, you’re not sure. You tell KANAYA so.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t the faintest clue about the outcome of this situation. I wish I did know, though. I can imagine Dave and John will just tell me whenever they are ready to discuss things further.”

The psychologist in you certainly does believe that things will be changing between your two friends tonight. It’s just a matter of time.

==>ROSE: Be your awesomely cool BRO.

This isn’t possible, as you don’t have an awesomely cool BRO. 

==>That’s rude.

==>ROSE: Be DAVE. 

You are once again DAVE. You never expected EGBERT to have a bit of padding on his hips.

You should have figured.

He’s squeezing your shoulders a bit too tightly, and you let him know.

“yo john i know im not made of glass or anything but i can still feel pain like really your grip is just a smidgeon too tight like some skinny jeans on a girl with a ghetto booty like really girl we know you got the plushest rump this side of the sun but theres no conceivable way youre fitting into those skinny jeans without some form of the jaws of life and the help of at least three firefighters and maybe even the fire chief to come supervise“

“dave, seriously, do you ever shut up, or am i supposed to listen to you babble forever? i really just wanna enjoy this.”

“only you would admit to wanting to enjoy a celine dion song john i mean really”

“have you ever seen titanic? it is a classic!”

“what self respecting straight dude admits that a hes seen titanic and b that he thinks its a classic really john maybe i should rip up your membership to the straight club”

JOHN laughs, setting his head on your shoulder. Your heart does NOT skip a beat. And you would know about beats. Trust you on that.

“dave, you and i both know you do not even have a membership to the straight club, so you would not even be allowed to rip up my membership card.”

He’s got you there. STRIDERS, such as you, your BRO, and any ALTERNATE VERSIONS, have never been exactly secretive about your preference in GENITALIA, despite the fact that all four of you grew up in TEXAS.

You are GAY for JOHN EGBERT and he FUCKING KNOWS it. 

You are SO SCREWED.

==>DAVE: Don’t panic.

STRIDERS don’t panic. What are you, a child? You don’t lose your inherent cool, no matter the situation.

==>DAVE: Remember the times you lost your cool.

Okay, maybe once or twice. That’s BESIDE the point. What will you do about JOHN?

==>DAVE: Do nothing.

Easy enough. You’re enjoying being so close to JOHN anyways. Doing nothing is a piece of cake.

The song fades away into another slow song, one that makes JOHN shift a little closer to you to make up for the change in tempo. At least, that’s how you rationalize it. 

He’s holding you tightly, head on your chest. You’re almost positive he can hear your heartbeat. You have your arms around his waist, swaying to the song, your face against his hair. 

“baby when you touch me” Your voice comes to you easy, considering you use it so often. You sing loud enough for just JOHN to hear you. “i can feel how much you love me and it just blows me away ive never been this close to anyone or anything i can hear your thoughts i can see your dreams i dont know how you do what you do im so in love with you it just keeps getting better i wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side forever and ever and every little thing that you do baby im amazed by you” The singer of this cheesy pizza of a song even has an accent close to yours, which makes it even easier to seduce JOHN with your words. 

“if only you really meant it, hm dave?” JOHN murmurs into your chest, probably thinking he’ll be muffled enough that you won’t hear him.

“no one ever said i didnt john” 

==>DAVE: Be JOHN

You are now JOHN.

==>JOHN: Wait, what?

Your head flicks upwards so quickly, you bump DAVE’S chin with it. He hisses, having bitten his tongue.

“wait, what?”

“shit egbert why didnt you tell me you had gone deaf”

“NOT FUNNY DAVE.”

“fine okay before you hit me with that giant noodle of yours again just hear me out that weve already established that im not the most straight and narrow road in the whole highway system so i dont see why its a hard conclusion to jump to that i have feelings for you like seriously that shits more obvious than the place doras trying to get to like seriously its right behind you how can you miss that giant fucking temple thing with the face on it look behind you for one second dora youre not exactly the greatest of explorers are you even jake is better than you and thats not really saying that much”

==>JOHN: Make DAVE get to the point.

You are acutely aware that everyone is watching you. Some still dance, like DIRK and JAKE, half in their own world, half listening to every word, but others, like ROXY and JANE are totally tuned in, not paying a single bit of attention to the song or even to each other for that matter.

“dave.” That was most definitely NOT a whine.

“john im trying to get to the point here but its like sharpening a pencil you cant just get to the point right away unless you maybe use one of those electric ones thatll eat up your whole pencil but usually youre stuck with the dollar store manual one that forces you to stand over the trash can so you can get rid of all the useless shavings while youre trying to get to the point and thats what im doing i guess so that makes you the trash can and me the guy with the sharpener and all these words the useless shavings not to imply youre trashy in any sense of the word egbert i mean that in an entirely metaphorical sense of the word im just having trouble with all of this so i guess im just trying to-“

“GET TO THE POINT OR SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE. HONESTLY. YOU’RE RUINING THIS DANCE FOR THE REST OF US WITH YOUR INCESSANT WORD VOMIT.”

“oh, liike you’re enjoyiing your2elf kk. You’ve ju2t been 2creamiing at me all niight.”

“I WOULDN’T HAVE TO KEEP SCREAMING AT YOU IF YOU WEREN’T SUCH A NOOK-SNIFFING MORON, SOLLUX.”

“Guys, seriously, shut up. My bro is trying to say something. We already know you guys are having hate sex whilst loving each other with violent passion.” 

DAVE gives DIRK an EPIC FIST BUMP before continuing.

“what i was trying to say before karkles so rudely interrupted me was that fuck im in total homo with you john i couldnt make a million shitty raps that would properly convey the depths of my affection for you but i could probably try if you really wanted me to”

“dave, please dont. wait did you really just say you were in homo with me?”

“well yeah i mean saying love in front of pretty much every single one of our friends would probably just embarrass them not to mention be sickeningly sweet to the point that it would make trickster mode look like a trip to the dentist i mean-”

==>JOHN: Kiss this STUPID MORON DAVE so he’ll stop talking.

You’ve done it.

You kissed the boy.

JOHN’S BRAIN has logged off.

Game over, continue?

10

9

8

7

6

5

“jesus fuck egbert”

ROUND TWO. 

You snap back to your senses, noticing that DAVE has lost his POKER FACE, because you can definitely see that he is blushing. And he is blushing HARD.

“Oh, c’mon, Dave. Just take the kid back to your room already. It wouldn’t be prom night if someone didn’t lose their virginity.”

“yeah but i was honestly expecting it to be you and english not me and john”

“Youve been making bets about me strider?”

“No, Jake. Not bets. Dave and I were just discussing the likelihood of either of us getting laid on a night such as this.”

“wait, jake, i thought you said you were not a virgin? you told me that you and dirk had sex like a bunch.”

KARKAT begins to rapidly and harshly bang his head off the wall.

“SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU. STRIDER, TAKE YOUR RESPECTIVE MORON AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. YOU’LL BE DOING US ALL A FAVOR.”

“J34LOUSY DO3SNT T4ST3 GOOD ON YOU K4RK4T. M4YB3 YOU SHOULD B3 4SK1NG YOUR M4T3SPR1T TO T4K3 YOU SOM3WH3R3 1NST34D OF B1TCH1NG 4BOUT OTH3RS 4LL TH3 T1M3. 1 TH1NK 1T WOULD DO YOU SOME GOOD.”

KARKAT begins turning an interesting shade of RED.

“cmon kk let2 go back two your room beefore you kiill 2omeone. we unfortunately need everyone two bee aliive twomorrow.”

KARKAT allows SOLLUX to lead him away, grumbling under his breath, probably about STUPID, STUPID STRIDERS. 

==>JOHN: Be propositioned by DAVE.

“maybe we should get out of here”

You’re not even surprised by how blunt he’s gotten.

You allow him to lead you to a red-themed bedroom.

==>JOHN: Have utterly homosexual misadventures with DAVE.

That is the stupidest suggestion you’ve ever heard in your entire life. 

HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO ENGAGE IN THINGS WHEN YOU’RE ALREADY DOING THEM?

**Author's Note:**

> bad ending is bad.  
> im lazy.  
> so so sorry.
> 
> Dave and John dance to:
> 
> My Heart Will Go On (by Celine Dion):  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiy9YB1coMw
> 
> and  
> Amazed (by Lonestar) (the one Dave sings):  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L27KqRVZPwA


End file.
